The greatest motivator to reinvent my life is going through so much. To be honest, I am still in constant fight to fully recover. But my fight with PTSD due to sexual abuse doesn’t seem recoverable because of the many things that happened after it.
The major breakdown happened when my previous partner used my abuse as a way to toy me emotionally to mold me into becoming more like his vision of a wife. But of course I developed a way to fight that, I turned to self-destruction to prove EVERYONE wrong in some ways and to make their rumors and gossips true. A crazy idea that I wish no one in this planet ever consider doing.
It was 2015 when I admitted to myself that I had enough and learned to be brave enough to reinvent my life, starting with changing many things about my self-concept.
I shaved my head and my eyebrows. I need to lose my image. “I am not a toy and not an object,” I told myself. I thought, perhaps if I lose that image I cling onto dearly I will begin to appreciate myself beyond delusions. It did help. But to claim it is the key to transformation is not true.
I may have physically changed how I look, but within? I look almost the same, with a few changes here and there. There was a time when I vowed to not touch / hold money. I lived at the house my mother left with little to no income to support me. There are some days without food and some there were plenty.
At the back of my head I still have delusions. I may have very little but my dreams were grand. I still dream of that one special guy who would come help me, keep me safe and be my warrior in life. I knew that the only way to fight this is to open myself to dating. If it is for me, then things will happen naturally. I dated and failed miserably, I cannot feel anything, not love, not passion, none…
Then gave it half a year and dated again, only to fail once more.
I am now convinced that I have transformed into the woman who requires no warrior by my side. I am all the warrior I need. I have little interest in romance but I do not hate seeing sweet couples and romantic singles. I simply know it is not for me, not because I am avoiding it, but because life had me reinvent to this point as a resolution to my greater issues.
Here are some principles in life that I stood firm onto during the toughest times:
1. Be kind
I chose to be kind even to the very people who teamed up to destroy me. They were the very loved ones I would consider as my refuge. But I knew they were the very same group who would rather subscribe to my ex-lover’s plan to chase me away and destroy me. Insanity or not, I chose kindness. I would give them my last cent need be, I will build them a shelter and would provide for them.
I learned to earn again, an I earn more than anyone in my family. But instead of using my money to escape this town that I should be hating, I chose kindness instead. I renovated the house that was my shelter during transformation. I share every bit of my earning and I make sure there is food at the pantry and clean clothes to wear.
If people take away my comfort, let I be the body to give them a taste of goodness in life. I rebuilt my life around kindness. It is one way to my recovery.
2. Be wise
If life is a game, play it well.
But be wise enough to know that life cannot be turned into a game, not now and not ever. We are here to learn who we are, to define a greater purpose and to overcome adversities. We are not here to play with other people to prove our strengths and label our weaknesses. Be wise enough to know that there is an entire population who will not think like you, who will not feel like you and will never have your same potential. Be wise to choose what to believe in.
3. Be brave
Suffering from traumatic stress responses magnified all my fears, imagined and real. I have to be brave. I had to make a conscious choice of choosing what to believe and what to discard. The bravest thing I have done is to love myself and my flaws and vowed to never give in to any suicidal thoughts.
The only person I am scared of is myself and that is a handful to handle. Each waking day is a battle not to hate and end the life of the person I see in the mirror. Thankfully, I found resolution by being brutally honest with myself. I learned to become my own therapist and discover joys of life in the simplest of things.
4. Be ready
I am always ready. By that I mean ready to stand at both ends of the pole. I am ready to be extremely successful and ready to feel like a failure. I have discovered that there is absolutely nothing permanent in life. How people view you as a person is changeable.
I have learned how to play the game of “love me, hate me.” My choices will make people love me or hate me, but their love or hate will never again validate my life nor does it have any bearing to the future I choose for myself. I am always ready to create my best possible life, each moment I stay.
Bringing it all together
The world is a dangerous place, if you choose to think of it that way.
But it can be an awesome place to study yourself if you allow life to teach you the meaning of creation. People are generally kind, but like you, they are confused in this world governed by greed, anger, envy and jealousy.
Practice makes perfect. Practice to be a good person and you will discover the perfectionever-present in this creation.
Other people will never see the world as you do, even if you try.
The only thing you can share with anyone is compassion, but you need to first apply teachings of compassion to your own self.
Life is crazy but it is beautiful that way. Success is obtainable but you have to:
1. Be kind
2. Be wise
3. Be brave
and 4. BE READY to achieve it.